Are You Being Served?/Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend

Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend
Season 1, Episode 5
Airdate	April 18, 1973
Script by	Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft
Directed by	Bernard Thompson (uncredited)
Produced by	David Croft
← 1x04 His and Her's	2x01 → The Clock
Are You Being Served? — Season One

Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend is the fifth episode of the first season of Are You Being Served?, and the sixth episode overall.

You have been watching: Mollie Sugden (Mrs Slocombe), Trevor Bannister (Mr Lucas), Frank Thornton (Captain Peacock), John Inman (Mr Humphries), Wendy Richard (Miss Brahms), Arthur Brough (Mr Grainger), Nicholas Smith (Mr Rumbold), Larry Martyn (Mr Mash), Harold Bennett (Young Mr Grace), Elizabeth Larner (Sweater Customer), Hilary Pritchard (Wealthy Customer), Stephanie Cathercole (the Secretary), Janet Davies (the Outsize Dress), Vicki Woolf (Mr. Humphrey's Friend)

Plot Overview

Everyone's money woes looks to be remedied when a customer reports a missing diamond and offers £100 for whoever finds it. And so, conniving commences in order to get the bulk of the reward.

Arc Advancement

Characters

• It's revealed that Rumbold's first name is Cuthbert and Grainger's first name is Ernest.

Trivia

Goofs

• The credits misspells Mr Humphries names as Humphrey's.

Quotes

• Captain Peacock: Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock, I'm late.

Captain Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are 15 minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was 15 minutes late?

Miss Brahms: The store would open at quarter past.

• Mr Grainger: I hope you won't mind my mentioning the fact, but I left my purse behind on the wireless in the kitchen this morning.

Captain Peacock: No, I don't mind you mentioning it at all.

Mr Grainger: No, well, I was wondering if you could let me have the pound back, which I lent you yesterday.

Captain Peacock: Of course, Mr Grainger, I... Oh, dear. I, too, seem to have left my notecase in the study on top of the colour television set.

Mr Grainger: Oh, have you? I seem to remember that you did the same thing last Friday, Stephen.

Captain Peacock: Yes, Ernest. Yes, it seems I'm - I'm getting rather forgetful.

Mr Grainger: Yes. That's why I reminded you about the pound.

• Mrs Slocombe: My dear girl, I could be wined and dined every night if I wanted to. If it wasn't for that awful wrestling match in the car when you got home. Those roving hands and the sloppy kisses and the fight to get the door open and escape.

Miss Brahms: Did many of them get away, Mrs Slocombe?

• Mr Humphries: You know, I didn't know which way to turn, which is very unusual for me.

• Mr Lucas: What's all that about, then?

Mr Humphries: Well, we've known each other for ages. We see a lot of each other.

Mr Lucas: What? You and that gorgeous thing ?

Mr Humphries: She's a very good friend of mine.

Mr Lucas: Look at those legs!

Mr Humphries: That is a very lovely person.

Mr Lucas: You're telling me!

Mr Humphries: And I'll tell you something else. He's much more settled since he's had the operation.

• Mr Lucas: Would it be easier if you brought him in?

Customer: Well, that'd spoil the surprise. And he loves a surprise.

Mr Lucas: Oh, well, you bring him in then, madam. Mr Humphries'll find a way of surprising him.

• Mr Lucas: 20p for Grace Brothers Staff Home. Now, that I don't mind. I mean, what a way to end your days. When you're too old to bend down and take an inside leg, you can sit all day in the drizzle in a wheelchair, waiting for that voice to come crying out of the sky, "Are you free, Mr Lucas?" And five minutes later, you've got Grainger measuring you up for a pair of wings, telling you they'll ride up with wear.

• Mr Mash: For the sake of wearing a cardboard collar and calling yourself middle class, you're doing yourself out of all the readies.

Mr Humphries: We do have one advantage.

Mr Mash: Oh, yeah? What's that, then?

Mr Humphries: Take this to the dustbin, Mash.

Mr Mash: Capitalist.

• Mr Humphries: I usually have to massage it for him, Captain Peacock.

Mr Lucas: Oh, the relief!

Captain Peacock: Why are you massaging his ankle, Mr Humphries? That's not where you get lumbago.

Mr Humphries: Well, if I was to massage him where you get lumbago, we'd both be thrown out.