Family Guy/And the Wiener Is...

And the Wiener Is...
Season 3, Episode 5
Airdate	August 8, 2001
Production Number	2ACX22
Written by	Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Directed by	Bert Ring
← 3x04 One if by Clam, Two if by Sea	3x06 → Death Lives
Family Guy — Season Three

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And the Wiener Is... is the fifth episode of the third season of Family Guy, and the thirty-third episode overall.

In this episode, Peter begins to feel inferior to his son, Chris, upon realizing that the size of his penis is smaller than his son's. Also, Meg makes her latest attempt to become part of the popular clique at school.

Starring: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis

Also Starring: Patrick Duffy (Jack Green), Mike Henry, Rachael MacFarlane, Danny Smith, Tara Strong, Patrick Warburton, Lisa Wilhoit, Debra Wilson

Plot Overview

As they engage in a series of father-son bonding activities, Peter realizes that Chris is starting to gain ground on him and begins to cheat so he can continue to hold the edge. After an outing to the gym, Peter and Chris go into the sauna to relax. There, after Chris removes his towel, Peter realizes that the size of Chris' penis is larger than his. Peter makes a huge deal about it, and nobody — not his doctors and certainly not Lois — can talk him out of the silly notion that the size of one's private parts makes the man.

A suddenly and deeply insecure Peter hides Stewie in his pants pockets to try to impress others, and later, he buys a sports car with a long hood. After the latter activity, he drives through a tunnel, only to repeatedly engage in the highly dangerous activity of backing up and racing the car through the tunnel (simulating sexual penetration) ... until his luck runs out and involves the car in a head-on collision with a truck. Peter escapes unhurt, but his pride is shaken and takes a beating when a party bus drives by the scene ... and the bikini-clad female passengers laugh at him. Later, Peter joins a local gun club — the National Gun Association — to try to regain his self-worth somehow, this time by thinking that gun ownership will make up for the perceived lack of his anatomical gifts. When taking Chris hunting, they are attacked by a bear. Peter cowers in fear while Chris is able to run the bear off. Peter finally gets the hint that being a man is not about the size of one's private parts, but about (among other things) showing bravery in conflict and dangerous situations. Peter and Chris make up, and all's well.

Meanwhile, Meg tries out for cheerleader, only to be scorned by team captain Connie D'Amico, the self-appointed "most popular girl at school." The self-centered and incredibly ill-personaed Connie directs Meg to the flag squad, and makes the team. During their first performance, several of the school's jocks play a cruel joke by catapulting rotten meat onto Meg just as the performance is ending; instead of being outraged, the crowd is highly amused as the school administration — also taking delight in Meg's humiliation — does nothing. Meg decides to play good sport and eventually tries to make friends with Connie. Connie accepts Meg as a friend and invites her to her 16th birthday party. Lois tries to warn Meg that she's about to be let down and tries to advise her on how to take care of Connie and her friends. Meg brushes this off, but Lois is later proven right when Connie springs her sadistic prank on Meg. During what she describes as a game called "Heaven," Meg and one of the popular boys retreat to a closet, supposedly to kiss in private for seven minutes; instead, the closet door opens and the only thing Meg is kissing is a pig, held by the popular boy. Meg is humiliated and runs to mommy, only to learn that Lois had already anticipated what was going to happen and hatches her counterplan. Just then, the doorbell rings at the D'Amicos, and it's Quagmire, looking to have sex with Connie and her friends.