Family Guy/One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

One if by Clam, Two if by Sea
Season 3, Episode 4
Airdate	August 1, 2001
Production Number	2ACX19
Written by	Jim Bernstein, Michael Shipley
Directed by	Dan Povenmire
← 3x03 Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington	3x05 → And the Wiener Is...
Family Guy — Season Three

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One if by Clam, Two if by Sea is the fourth episode of the third season of Family Guy, and the thirty-second episode overall.

Starring: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis

Also Starring: Lori Alan (Diane Simmons), Ed Asner (Steve Bellows), Johnny Brennan, Tara Charendoff, Mike Henry (Cleveland Brown), Hugh Laurie (Nigel Pinchley), Alan Shearman, Danny Smith, Jennifer Tilly (Bonnie Swanson), Patrick Warburton (Joe Swanson)

Plot Overview

A hurricane sweeps through Quahog one night. The very next day, there is much damage throughout the town. Even The Clam is damaged. So much so that The Clam's owner Horace sells the place to a British conglomerate. At first Peter and his friends are thrilled with the new and improved Clam (which is turned into a British pub), but one look at on the inside, they become discouraged and back out of the pub. Peter runs home to tell Lois about the takeover by the British using vile slurs against them. It is here where he meets the new owner whom Lois introduces as Nigel Pinchley. Nigel has a daughter name Eliza to whom Stewie meets in the Griffins backyard. Her words (in cockney British lingo) is offensive to Stewie's ears. So much so that Stewie sets out to teach her the proper way of speaking. He proceeds to do this after receiving an invitation to Eliza's party. He makes a bet with Brian that he can turn little Eliza into a proper lady. Meanwhile, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe make attempts to go to another bar. They enter a lesbian bar and become discouraged and leave. They all stand on a street corner and start to bicker with each other. Realizing why they are bickering (because of the British takeover of the Clam) they decide to run the British out of Quahog. They enter the pub dressed like soldiers of "The Spirit of 76" and make a scene. Nigel encourages them to leave, using persuasive words (off screen). The guys decide to use another tactic. Like the forefathers before them, the guys will dump British Ale over a docked ship. They of course have consumed some from the barrows. The very next day, Peter arrives home, somewhat drunk, but mostly sober. He, Lois and Brian watch the news and is shocked to learn that The British Pub had been burned to the ground.They become even more shocked (except for Peter) when they learn of the suspects in the Pub's burning. Peter does not realize that he, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are the suspects, even when the police bust into his house to arrest him. The reality hits him (literally) and soon he and his friends are in the court house charged with burning down the pub and are hauled away to prison. There, they encounter a bald tattoo wearing inmate that Joe help put behind bars. This guy walks up to Joe and vows to kill him and the others. Meanwhile, Lois, Loretta and Bonnie look around the area of the now burned down pub. They are convinced that their husbands did not burn the pub down. Just then an insurance man appears to inquire about Nigel Pinchley with a check for a million dollars. He tells the women that Pinchley had taken out a million dollar life insurance policy on other businesses before and that the places always seem to burn down. This makes the women suspicious. Days later Stewie is still teaching Eliza the proper way of talking and succeeds. Eliza is speaking like Eliza Dolittle, dropping the cockney accent. Later in the evening, at Eliza's party, Lois, Loretta and Bonnie plan to look for evidence to expose Nigel as the real arsonist of the pub. Lois pretends to cozy up to Nigel, to be turned on by him, to get him to confess to burning down the pub. He does so, thinking that Bonnie and Loretta were present in the room as witnesses. They were not, but the insurance man was in the closet and overheard the whole confession. With this confession, Peter and friends are set free. Just in time too because the tattoo wearing inmate had threatened to kill them at midnight. They are seconds away from being stabbed when their cell door opens. Fortunately it's the wives informing them of Nigel's confession. Later, the guys and their wives celebrate the former's freedom at the new and brought back Clam. Horace had missed the place and purchased it back. As for Nigel, he was sentenced to death by hanging. As for his daughter Eliza, she is put into an orphanage. She writes to Stewie, vowing that she will one take revenge on Lois for her father's death and causing her to live in an orphanage.