L.A. Law/Hand Roll Express

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Hand Roll Express
Season 2, Episode 12
Airdate January 21, 1988
Production Number 5K12
Written by William Stadiem
Directed by Kim Friedman
Produced by Scott Goldstein
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L.A. LawSeason Two
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Hand Roll Express is the twelfth episode of the second season of L.A. Law, and the thirty-fourth episode overall.

Starring: Harry Hamlin (Michael Kuzak), Susan Dey (D.D.A. Grace Van Owen), Corbin Bernsen (Arnie Becker), Jill Eikenberry (Ann Kelsey), Alan Rachins (Douglas Brackman, Jr.), Michele Greene (Abby Perkins), Jimmy Smits (Victor Sifuentes), Michael Tucker (Stuart Markowitz), Susan Ruttan (Roxanne Melman), Blair Underwood (Jonathan Rollins)

and Richard Dysart (Leland McKenzie)

Guest Starring: Charles Frank (Jimmy Markham), Sam Behrens (Charles Craft), Conchata Ferrell (Lorna Landsberg), Fran Bennett (Judge Hillary Miller Johnson), Rosalind Ingledew (Officer Sandra Davis), Bruce Kirby (D.A. Bruce Rogoff), Peter Kevoian (D.D.A. Jim Aoli), Andrew Schneider (Chef), Jim Jansen (Geoffrey Bowers), Hildy Brooks (Sarah Kerwin), Mark Schneider (Attorney)

Co-Starring: Cristine Rose (Gay Halloran), Todd Jeffries (City Attorney Larry Martin), Charley Lang (Robert Alden), Frank Schuller (Judge Cyril Hodges)

Featuring: Andrew Magarian (Passenger), Michael James (Weirdo), Stephen Day (Cop #1), Robert Apisa (Cop #2), Jerry Ayres (Stanley Niles), Yosh Moriwaki (Sushi Chef #2), Marcus K. Mukai (Sushi Chef #1)

Uncredited: Craig Richard Nelson (U.S. Attorney Donald Kelly)


Plot Overview


Arc Advancement


  • At the end in the evening, Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz have been mugged and robbed by the yuppie bandit following of Roxanne's insider stock tips.




The Show

  • L.A. Law will not be seen on Thursday's between January 28 and February 4. But will return within 3 weeks with an all-new episodes on NBC, February 11, 1988.

Behind the Scenes

Allusions and References

Memorable Moments


  • Leland McKenzie: While I'm sure we're all glad that Roxanne is out of her legal difficulties, by this time we're aware that hers were not the only indiscretions committed. While personal investments are, as a rule, personal business, anyone trading on stock tips even remotely questionable is compromising the integrity of this firm. I trust that those of you involved will take appropriate steps to rectify the situation.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Leland, if I may, the only thing I would add is that since Roxanne's matter with the U.S. Attorney's Office is concluded, I'd like to give her 2 weeks' notice before the close of business today and start interviewing for a replacement.
Michael Kuzak: Now wait a minute, it hasn't been established that Roxanne knew that those tips were illegal.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: That maybe, but this isn't a criminal prosecution. It's a law firm depending upon the good judgment of its employees. Roxanne let us down. Get rid of her.
Stuart Markowitz: Uh-uh. If she didn't know the tips were based on inside information, how can we punish her?
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And what was her conduct when she did know? Did she immediately offer her cooperation to the federal prosecutor and seek to contain the damage or was her first priority to shield her paramour and further involved this firm's time and manpower in some tawdry little melodrama?
Arnie Becker: Who the hell are you to vilify her? How many times have you had to call out for help for the simple reason that you couldn't keep your fly zipped?
Leland McKenzie: All right, Arnold, let's not get into that now.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Whatever past scrapes, I've gotten into, I've never put this firm in jeopardy.
Arnie Becker: For all your sanctimonious braying, Douglas, neither has she.
Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well, I don't intend to let this drop.
Arnie Becker: Fine, let me make things very clear then. You can express your outrage about this incident. We can have a series of discussions about moral consequences, situational ethics, or whatever you want. Just so you know, if you fire Roxanne, I walk out right behind her.
(Arnie leaves and heads out of the Conference room. Ann Kelsey is to blame for Roxanne's insider trading. Leland and Douglas need a moment of silence.)
  • (Arnie find out what does Roxanne doing in today this morning.)
Arnie Becker: What are doing in today?
Roxanne Melman: I just came in to pick up my check.
Arnie Becker: Why don't you stay home tomorrow?
Roxanne Melman: Home will feel just as bad as any place else.
Arnie Becker: I know that you loved him, Roxanne.
Roxanne Melman: But you know he was a bad guy anyway, right?
Arnie Becker: That's not what I was going to say.
Roxanne Melman: But it's great to be right, isn't it, Arnie?
Arnie Becker: Do you think that I like seeing you hurting?
Roxanne Melman: When did you ever notice?
(Roxanne got upset and walk away from Arnie.)
  • Ann Kelsey: Stuart, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?
Stuart Markowitz: How would you feel if I told you your diamond engagement ring was bought with stolen money?
Ann Kelsey: It's not the same thing.
Stuart Markowitz: How is it different, Ann?
Ann Kelsey: I don't know.
Stuart Markowitz: I just wish we could purge ourselves of this something.
Robert Alden: Excuse me. Have you got the time?
Stuart Markowitz: Yeah. It's 10:30.
Robert Alden: Oh, nice watch.
Stuart Markowitz: Thanks.
Robert Alden: Can I have it?
Stuart Markowitz: What?
(Pointing the gun.)
Robert Alden: It's stick-up time.
Ann Kelsey: Stuart.
Robert Alden: Hand it over. Watch, rings, money, come on.
(Stuart handover his Rolex Watch and his ring.)
Robert Alden: You, too, Miss.
Stuart Markowitz: Do as he says, Ann.
(Ann is handing over her purse, her diamond ring, but keep her wedding ring.)
Ann Kelsey: Can I keep my wedding ring?
Robert Alden: Well, in consideration of the watch and the diamond ring, what the hell. Okay.
(Ann puts her wedding ring back in her finger.)
Robert Alden: Hey, aren't you going to say thank you?
Ann Kelsey: Thank you.
Robert Alden: Okay. Attorneys, right? Well, you folks have a nice evening.
(Tires screeching by car and the yuppie bandit heads to the getaway car. And he got away. Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz have been robbed in the evening.)
Ann Kelsey: You wanted a purge? You got a purge.
Stuart Markowitz: Purge? I just purged my shorts.