Late Show with David Letterman/Show 2714

Show 2714
Season 14, Episode 69
Airdate	December 22, 2006
← December 21, 2006 Show 2713	January 2, 2007 → Show 2715
Late Show with David Letterman — Season Fourteen

This is the sixty-ninth episode of the fourteenth season of Late Show with David Letterman, and the two thousand seven hundred and fourteenth overall. It is also the final show of 2006, the ninth consecutive appearance of guest Jay Thomas and the thirteenth consecutive appearance of singer Darlene Love on the Christmas episode of the show.

Guests: Jay Thomas, Cate Blanchett, Darlene Love

Episode Breakdown

• Monologue: Dave talks about how much he enjoys Christmas in New York, particularly commenting on a Salvation Army Santa who yelled at him for "ruining the soup" when he tossed change into the Santa's kettle and when he saw a squirrel "throwing tinsel on his nuts." He also talks about preparing for his mother coming in for the holidays (i.e. hiding the booze and filling candy dishes with nicotine gum), how strange his family is, holiday traditions of burning Regis Philbin Christmas CDs in his fireplace and how expensive Christmas trees are.
• At the Desk:
  • After his monologue, Dave gives a woman in the audience a large present. She unwraps the present, tears open the box and it turns out to be completely empty. Dave acknowledges his mistake and gives her a second present to make up for it.
  • Dave indulges Paul, who would like to reminisce about a Christmas episode of The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour featuring Paul Conrad. He attempts to set a serious scene, but is interrupted when he mentions that her hands "were in a muff." Paul then sings Cher's poor rendition of "O Holy Night."
  • Dave shows a "twist" on The Yule Log which is now preceded with a warning from Al Gore, who says that the yule log burning is destroying the environment.
  • Dave introduces a Christmas video greeting starring Osama Bin Laden, even though he doesn't know him. Bin Laden sings "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" unenthusiastically.
  • Because of the constant development of China, the white finned dolphin is beginning to go extinct. Red Lobster urges viewers to head down to their local Red Lobster before they completely miss out on the chance to eat one. They're also offering Bald Eagle Steaks.
• Late Show Fun Facts:
  • Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year.
  • Despite the hump, a camel's spine is straight.
  • When your face blushes, the lining of your stomach turns red also.
  • In 2004, former President Bush voted for John Kerry.
  • For Christmas this year, Osama gave out fleece jackets with the Al Qaeda logo.
  • John Deere never cut a blade of grass in his life.
  • The very first e-mail offered low priced Mexican tranquilizers.
  • After a brief bout with conjunctivitis, Frank Sinatra was briefly known as "Ol Pink Eyes."
  • As smart as he was, Sir Isaac Newton once spent 12 hours trying to milk a horse.
  • Flavor Flav's neck clock is always set to mountain time.
  • The Q-Tip was developed after serious design flaws were found in both O and P-Tips.
  • Frank Melsky later went on to write "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
  • Jesus used to feel short-changed at the holidays because his birthday fell on Christmas.
  • Benjamin Franklin had a thing for fat chicks.
• Following the fun facts, Dave gives out several more presents to audience members and broadcasts holiday greetings from soldiers in Iraq.
• Jay Thomas Interview: Jay Thomas, host of a radio program on Sirius Satellite Radio, comes back to the show for the ninth year in a row as part of the "Holiday Quarterback Challenge." His task is to knock the meatball from Hello Deli off the top of the Late Show Christmas tree, but before he gets to that Dave has him tell the same story he's been telling for the past nine years about the Lone Ranger. The story is about him smoking pot with Clayton Moore, the actual original Lone Ranger, and attempting to drive him back to the hotel. While at a stoplight, a man backs into Thomas' Volvo and speeds off. Thomas, irate over having this happen to his beat-up Volvo, chases him down and eventually catches him. When the man steps out of the car and says that the police wouldn't believe "two hippie freaks," the Lone Ranger steps out and says "they'll believe me, citizen." After the story, Thomas and Dave attempt to knock the meatball off the tree (which is now between two burlesque girls, one sparks off her metal outfit and the other performing with multiple hula-hoops). Eventually, Dave is the one who hits the meatball.
• Cate Blanchett Interview: Cate Blanchett talks about how her academy award award was accidentally bent in half by her neighbor's children, her children and living in Australia. Blanchett is making the talk show rounds in promotion of Notes on a Scandal, about a teacher who has a secret affair with a student, but also talks about portraying Bob Dylan in a segment of a movie about his life.
• Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home: Darlene Love song.

Notes

• Alan Kalter's Intro: "Controversial Reindeer"
• Alan Kalter's Outro: "Oh, Santa!"

Music

• Christmas (Baby Please Come Home), performed by Darlene Love: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is a song recorded by Darlene Love originally released on A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector in 1963. Love has performed the song on the final Late Show before the holiday break every year since 1994, although the tradition dates back as far as 1986 when she performed the song on Late Night with David Letterman. The song is accompanied with the CBS Orchestra as well as a section of strings and a back-up choir.