Saturday Night Live/Conan O'Brien/Don Henley
From The TV IV
Conan O'Brien/Don Henley is the fourteenth episode of the twenty-sixth season of Saturday Night Live, and the five hundred and first episode overall.
- A Message from President Bush: President George W. Bush (Ferrell) addresses the nation and assures it that, although Vice-President Dick Cheney has recently had a heart attack, he is perfectly healthy because of his good genetics, 14 hours of sleep per night and moderate work schedule. Bush declares that Americans don't need to worry because he's in excellent shape and will be able to do his job "24 hours a week, 7 months a year."
- Conan O'Brien's Monologue: O'Brien reminds the audience he was once a writer who had occasional appearances on the show during that time and shows a clip reel of his "greatest moments"—mostly as background characters. He also says his own show is in the same studio as SNL, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, and offers a tour of his set. On the way, he picks up Tracey Morgan, Japanese tourists, two paramedics working on a heart attack patient and his own mom. At his set, he finds his bandleader, Max Weinberg, having sex with a woman (Becky Weinberg) on his desk.
- Subshack: Subway spokesman Jared Fogel (Fallon) promotes Subshack, whose sandwich artist (Rudolph) has served fat- and sodium-laden sandwiches which have helped him and other formerly skinny people (Gasteyer & Morgan) get fat again.
- Boston Teens - Cumberland Farms: Sully (Fallon) and Zazu (Dratch) try to buy liquor while underage, but Zazu is unsuccessful. They run into 20-something cohort Eric Pierson (O'Brien), who is always having parties at his house, but cannot buy beer because his license has been revoked. While Pat runs into the liquor store with a fake moustache to try to get beer, Denise and Eric talk, and it is revealed they once had sex, but Pat doesn't know. Pat exits with the beer, and they run into old buddies Donnie Bartalotti (Affleck) and Frank (Sanz), who pick them up on a bicycle for the party.
- Moleculo, the Molecular Man: Superhero Moleculo the Molecular Man (O'Brien) stops a bank robbery by Morgan and others, but whenever the cops (Parnell & Minor) say the name "Moleculo," Moleculo shouts, "The Molecular Man!" In his secret identity as a reporter, Moleculo gives away his secret identity by doing the same thing whenever his coworkers (Hammond, Dratch & Fallon) say "Moleculo." To build a new secret identity, Moleculo moves to Mexico, but he again blows his cover by shouting "El Hombre de los Moleculos!" when his Mexican editor (Sanz) says "Moleculo."
- Napster Hearings: Senators Trent Lott (Hammond), Evan Bayh (Parnell) and a third (Gasteyer), having taken testimony from the music industry's biggest stars, now hear from lesser stars. David Lee Roth (Kattan) says only, "Zibbidy-bop." A much less buff Right Said Fred (O'Brien) has hit hard times. The "guy from Cameo" (Morgan) says little but, "Word up!" Toni Basil (Dratch) arrives in her cheerleader costume, although she has no testimony, because Lott and Sen. Strom Thurmond "just have a thing for cheerleaders." Neil Tennant (Fallon) of the Pet Shop Boys, who is now working in an actual pet shop, quotes his own lyrics. Rico Suave (Sanz) has let himself go. Corey Hart (Ferrell) arrives in a wheelchair and disfigured from a car accident he got into because he was wearing shades at night. Right Said Fred returns in a beekeeper costume claiming to be "the beekeeper from the Village People," but when Lott recognizes him, he breaks down and begs for food.
- Everything Is Different Now: Don Henley song.
- Weekend Update
- Taintless Ted: Ted Brown (Sanz) gets into a car accident, and after the nurse (Gasteyer) makes fun of him, the doctor (O'Brien) reveals he had his "taint"—the fleshy part between the penis and anus—removed. His wife (Dratch) says she is leaving him for a new man (Ferrell) with a huge taint. Brown swears to become president, but he became a bank janitor, inspiring other taint-less people, including the announcer (Parnell).
- TV Funhouse - Find Black People at a Knicks Game: Footage of a New York Knicks game is shown, and very few Black people (excluding vendors) can be seen in the stands in the expensive seats, except filmmaker Spike Lee and, of course, the players. In the cheap seats, there are far more Black people, including Morgan, who is at the game with Sanz.
- VH1 Divathon: A VH1 veejay (Rudolph) counts down the top divas in music history. Number 498 is Deandra Wells (Gasteyer). Footage of her Santa Barbara concert is shown as she belittles and embarrasses her band—pianist and back-up vocalist Gordon "Boo-Boo" Davis (Ferrell), Donny Gordon (Sanz) on bass, Alan "Sticks" McCrea (Parnell) on drums and her son Josh (O'Brien) on electric guitar. Eventually, she pisses off her band so much that they stop playing and yell at her.
- Democratic National Committee: Democratic National Committee member Marc Rich (Kattan) rebuts President Bush's tax cut, although he never pays taxes.
- The Heart of the Matter: Don Henley song. (Note: Initial East Coast broadcast and West Coast delay only.)
- The DeMarco Brothers - Audition for Don Henley: With the help of Minor, Henley is auditioning new dancers. They turn down a fat dancer (Sanz). Kyle (Parnell) and Sean DeMarco (Kattan) arrive with their cousin Shannon (O'Brien), who is there for "tech support and understudying, but mostly tech support" to audition. Their first number, to All She Wants to Do Is Dance, is awful, so they follow it up with an equally awful Hotel California number. Before Henley throws them out, they try a third number to Dirty Laundry, which requires a third dancer, and they reluctantly take Shannon, but their "number" is kicking the crap out of him. Henley stops the music to help Shannon, but he doesn't hire the Dimarcos. (Note: Rerun broadcasts only.)
- SportsCentury: The host of SportsCentury (Parnell) profiles 1900s boxer Corcoran (O'Brien), who sports a handlebar moustache and "talks trash," 1908-style, to his opponents. But his boxing style with a White opponent (Kattan) takes a long time as the boxers dance around, until his opponent coughs and Corcoran punches him out. When he fights a Black boxer (Minor), Corcoran is badly beaten.
"Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!"
- Everything Is Different Now by Don Henley: The fourth track off Henley's 2000 album release, Inside Job.
- All She Wants to Do Is Dance by Don Henley: The hit single off Henley's 1984 album Building the Perfect Beast.
- The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley: One of seven charting singles off Henley's 1989 album The End of the Innocence. Although the performance was cut from reruns and replaced with the DeMarcos sketch, their T-shirts paraphrase lyrics from this song.
- Hotel California by The Eagles: The eponymous mega-hit off the multi-platinum 1976 album by Henley's original band. This indictment of Hollywood and California commercialism became their signature song.
- Dirty Laundry by Don Henley: Henley's first solo hit single, off his first solo album, 1982's I Can't Stand Still.
- Desperado by The Eagles: The song which plays as the DeMarcos wait to learn if Henley has hired them. This title track off the band's 1973 album became their fourth major hit and established them as one of the biggest bands of the decade.
- Cut Sketches: Several sketches have been cut from the episode when it is broadcast in the hour-long syndicated format. The following sketches were removed: TV Funhouse, Taint Removal, Marc Rich Address and VH-1 Diva-Thon. The second Don Henley performance was removed from the regular hour and a half rerun broadcast and replaced with the Kyle and Sean DeMarco audition sketch.
- Dress Rehearsal: In the original live broadcast of the episode, Conan's beekeeper suit during the Napster hearings wouldn't come off. In reruns and in the West Coast broadcast, this was replaced with the appropriate scene from dress rehearsal.
Behind the Scenes
- Returning Writer: With this episode, O'Brien becomes the first former SNL writer who was never a cast member to come back as host of the show.