Red Dwarf/Only the Good...

Only the Good...
Season 8, Episode 8
Airdate	April 8, 1999
Written by	Doug Naylor
Directed by	Ed Bye
← 8x07 Pete (2)	8x08 → Only the Good...
Red Dwarf — Season Eight

Only the Good... is the eighth episode of the eighth season of Red Dwarf, and the fifty-second episode overall.

Guest Stars: Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Heidi Monsen (Talia), Ricky Glover (Baxter), David Verrey (Big Meat), Tony Slattery (Candy Dispenser)

Plot Overview

The episode opens with a space probe approaching Red Dwarf, carrying a "chameleonic microbe."

On board Red Dwarf, Rimmer, on probation, is bringing a meal to Captain Hollister, who is in bed suffering from Yellow Fever. Rimmer tries to take advantage of the situation by slipping complete pardons for himself and the others into the sheaf of papers the captain has to sign. Hollister is not fooled by this crude tactic though. Rimmer begs him to sign the pardons anyway -- he can't have a criminal record or he'll never become an officer. The captain ultimately has to tell Rimmer that he simply isn't officer material.

Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of an attractive woman named Talia, an old friend of the Captain's. Talia gushes over Hollister having command of a ship, while Rimmer waggishly points out that the Captain is married.

After leaving the Captain's quarters, Rimmer uses a slug to steal a chocolate bar from a vending machine. The machine sounds an alert: "A choccy nut bar has been removed without payment! Alert! Alert!" The vending machine declares itself Rimmer's nemesis, pledging one day to expose him for the chocolate-thieving dog he is. It vows, "You are my nemesis. One day, our paths will cross again, and I will destroy you." Rimmer retorts, "And on that day, I will be the captain of this ship."

Down in the prison level, Kryten mentions to Lister that Kochanski seems to be going through a rough patch. He says that when he last saw her, she was crying and saying that it was "the wrong time of the month." Lister sees the opportunity for a practical joke, and explains the concept of menstruation to Kryten.

At Lister's suggestion, Kryten surprises Kochanski and hangs a banner in her cell reading "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD!". He even offers her a giftwrapped tampon.

Later, as revenge, Kryten steals Baxter's stash of illegal booze and hides it in Lister and Rimmer's cell--ten minutes before a surprise inspection. Lister and Rimmer try to get rid of the contraband by drinking it--leaving them blind drunk when Ackerman arrives for the inspection.

Ackerman knows they're drunk: the hooch is sitting openly on the table. Lister tries to deny it, nestling his head against Ackerman's chest, looking up at him, and shaking his head "no" in a way that only a really, really drunk person would. Rimmer falls face-first to the floor, and Lister falls asleep, leaning against Ackerman's arm and snoring. Ackerman orders Lister and Rimmer to the medical unit for a stomach pump--"super suck."

In the mess hall, Baxter tells the others that when Lister and Rimmer get out of the medical unit, he's going to get revenge on them for stealing his hooch.

Disguised as patients, Kochanski and Kryten go to get Lister and Rimmer at the hospital. Kochanski sits in a wheelchair, and Kryten sports a "rash" that appears to be scores of tiny, lavender, clay balls stuck to his face and head.

Back in the commissary the Cat is trying to get himself into the hospital, so he picks a fight with a rough looking man known as "Big Meat." He pushes his way between Big Meat and his mates who are seated at an already-full table. Then he proceeds to eat food from Big Meat's tray. Finally, he insults the man saying, "From now on mashmallow-ass, you're my bitch!"

Expecting to be hit, Cat turns his cheek and braces himself. Instead, the man says in a somewhat effeminate voice, "Okay." Big Meat reckons that anyone who can tough-talk him, must be really, really mean. Big Meat smiles and puts his arm affectionately around Cat.

The Cat gets into the hospital eventually, dressed as a nurse. Together again, the dwarfers make a run for it. When they break out, however, they discover that the ship is falling apart--a result of the chameleonic microbe carried by Talia's shuttle.

They do the right thing and return to warn the crew. Hollister orders an immediate evacuation of the ship, leaving most of the prisoners behind to die (see below). The crew abandon ship. Dozens of blue midget and starbug escape pods speed away from Red Dwarf, leaving Kryten and the others to look for a cure.

Kryten realizes that since the microbe possesses a corrosive negativity, they can counteract it with a corrosive positivity. They construct a mirror-universe generator, to create a dimension where everything is diametrically opposite. Rimmer steps through into the mirror universe, but before the others can follow the machine shorts out. Kryten estimates that it will take twenty minutes to repair.

Rimmer finds himself on a mirror image of Red Dwarf, in the Captain's Quarters. In a reverse of the first scene, Hollister is now a flunky bringing him food. Rimmer quickly hops into the bed, just as Talia arrives. Rimmer decides to have some fun, trying to get frisky with her, only to discover after French-kissing her that she's a nun--she was his spiritual advisor.

Rimmer continues to explore this strange new universe. He finds that Kochanski is a lowly secretary, before finding the Cat, who in this universe is a brainy professor. Professor Cat tells him that the positive microbe is an alkali called Cesiumfrancolithicmixyalibidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide. Now that he knows the name, he can bring the antidote back to Red Dwarf.

When he returns, however, he finds that the rest of the crew have gone into the mirror universe looking for him, and the machine in ruins. Worse, the ship is now badly damaged, about to collapse completely.

Rimmer encounters the vending machine from before, which taunts him with the knowledge that as the highest-ranking crewman left on the ship, he is now captain. Rimmer heads off to make the antidote, but the food dispenser points out that the forumla that was a cure in the parallel universe is in fact just a formula for the virus back in this universe.

The food dispenser is right -- the forumla is useless. It's a disaster! The food machine then hints that there could still be a happy ending. Rimmer asks how. It replies, "You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it." Rimmer tells the machine to smeg off. He then turns and runs away, dodging steam, smoke, and explosions as he goes.

In fulfilment of its earlier promise to destroy him, the food machine dispenses (at high velocity) a can of fizzy drink. The can sails through the air, smacking Rimmer on the back of the head, knocking him to the floor.

Rimmer falls to the deck in despair, watching the formula burn up in his hands. Suddenly, a tall, hooded figure steps out of the flames carrying a scythe. Death says to him, "Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me." He then helps Rimmer to his feet, and continues, "We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the ..."

Suddenly Rimmer stands up. "Not today, matey," he says, and knees Death in the groin. "Only the good die young." A surprised Death stands clutching his groin, muttering "that's never happened before," as Rimmer runs off.

THE END...

THE SMEG IT IS!

Notes

• There are several plot points that remain unclear:
  • Talia was a spritual advisor in the mirror universe. Does that mean she is the opposite of that in the regular universe?
  • Is Talia a real person or a shape-chaning manifestation of the chameleonic microbes.
  • Where did the mirror-universe machine come from?
• As of 2005, this is the final broadcast episode of Red Dwarf. Doug Naylor has stated that if the movie is ever made, it will start fresh, rather than resolving this cliffhanger.

Arc Advancement

Characters

• To save the others, Rimmer returns from the mirror universe, where he is captain. A very noble act for him.
• Lister and Rimmer seem to have finally become friends (if not a lot more tolerable of each other).

Trivia

The Show

• The escape pod, that brought the chameleonic microbe, came from the S.S. Hermes, which was destroyed by the microbe.
• According to Rimmer, Talia arrived on the escape pod.
• The food dispenser from which Rimmer stole chocolate cannot see. It only knows Rimmer's taste in confectionary and the sound of his voice.
• Apparently the ship only has two jars of Brylcreem remaining.

Behind the Scenes

Several titles were discussed for this episode, including "Mirror/rorriM, and "Every Dog," as in, "has its day," referring to the vending machine's final insult to Rimmer.

This episode went through many incarnations. One early version entitled "earth" ended with Red Dwarf returning to earth, smashing through many legendary landmarks, and causing a tidal wave that wipes out the advanced civilization now living there. This proved far beyond the show's budget.

An early script ended with Rimmer recreating the formula, saving the ship, and rescuing his friends, before declaring himself captain and refusing to allow Hollister back on board.

The first filmed version of this episode ended with Rimmer falling to the deck in despair. However, Doug Naylor and others felt that this was "too dark," and came up with an ending where Rimmer is rescued by his alter-ego Ace Rimmer. It was decided, though, that Ace had been overused, and the "Death" ending was thought up ten minutes before filming; director Ed Bye was sent to find a brown robe, a scythe, and some sandals, and played Death himself.

Allusions and References

• When Kryten learns that women have periods every month, he exclaims, "This is the biggest coverup since Watergate."
• Rimmer tells Lister about a scar that he got "from a fight, years ago." -- "Duel," he says. However, he did not get the scar in a duel, but rather in an argument with a friend over who had the coolest bicycle clips. His friend attacked him with the video case for the 1971 Steven Spielberg film Duel.
• Rimmer encounters the Grim Reaper.

Memorable Moments

• Lister gives Kryten advice on how to treat a woman during her period. Following his advice, Kryten throws a surprise party for Kochanski in her quarters, complete with a banner that reads, "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD". He even has a present: a feminine hygiene product, which he dangles in the air for her to see. Kochanski immediately recognises that Lister must have had a hand in planning this.
• Captain Hollister's speech in which he announces they are abandoning Red Dwarf:

Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As you probably know we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, so most of you will be staying behind to die ... Oh, there's an apology about that in the internal mail.

Quotes

• Holly brags that he has hacked into the ship's computer and now has access to the supplies inventory ...

Holly: [I've] discovered stuff in there that'll make your hair stand on end.

Lister: What stuff?

Holly: Brylcreem it's called.

• When the mirror-universe machine burns up:

Kryten: It's overloaded! We've lost Mr. Rimmer!

Cat: At last, things are looking up!

Reviews

• Overall Grade: B
• Review Breakdown: A+: 0 A: 0 A-: 0 B+: 0 B: 1 B-: 0 C+: 0 C: 0 C-: 0 D: 0 F: 0

• This episode doesn't flow smoothly like most Red Dwarf shows, and of course, I don't care for the ending either, but it does have its good bits. (Spock 23:37, 10 April 2006 (EDT))